Still Searching

So many creative legends lost this year and it amazes me (or does it) to learn about their battles with depression. George Micheal, Carrie Fisher, many right?!

I have felt the pains of depression several times in my life and whenever I was in the thick of those feelings I used art as my way out. The artful act of expression was vital to me, so this really strikes a chord. I would sketch and paint to put the feelings somewhere else - on a canvas or a piece of it wasn't in me anymore. It helped sooo much. 

The thing that's different with me now tho is I'm not that depressed person anymore. If you have been watching my artwork for over two years you can certainly see what I'm talking about. 

The portrait on the left was painted in the thick of sadness. About 6 months later I reworked the piece completely and that's her on the right.



Fast forward to current time and the need to create as a way out and has been for months. 

When I go to my studio I don't feel the need to create like I used to. I used to need it or I would explode. Not even kidding. Not for one second. 

That's not me anymore. 

I am sooooo glad I'm not that person anymore. It's very freeing really. I have evolved and changed. The sticks that used to save me from the inner dark cloud that confined my spirit have broken. I don't need art like I used to.

The challenge that I have now is can I paint as a happier person? I'm trying. 

What does that look like? It's almost like starting over if I'm being honest. It's doable I'm sure it is. Right? Is it passionate enough tho? That is what I wrestle with as I approach every new piece. 

The colors, the lines, the strokes. I'm experimenting there. 

Every time I fail now, I remind myself to grateful. Grateful that I am in this better state. Free from the darkness.